Words 23

THE JUDAS MANUAL

Our recent history has accumulated a record of botched initiatives, uncertain situations and tragic episodes that have led the United States into the road to decadence, universal scorn and national misery. It must be admitted that those responsible took advantage of the ignorance and naiveté of a good half of the American people in order to get elected not once but twice!

As we come to the end of this fateful period, we begin to notice the appearance of what can best be called home grown Judases that prey on their protectors, friends and associates in the administration and regency of the realm. They can not be stopped; those who pursue the role are doing what some one did a couple of thousand years ago and forever instituted the Judas process. They follow the process for the same reasons; the notable difference is that instead of a few Roman coins, they expect a few million dollars, or Euros if you wish.

Not everyone can become a Judas. It is easy to become a tattletale, a stabber in the back, a gossip bug or a rabble rouser but to earn the Judas label demands a strong capacity to overcome the nagging of a conscience and the ability to disregard any scruples that might appear uninvited. The process of transformation into a certified Judas is based on love. Yes, love for your fellow man or woman. The Judas essence is deeply encased in a kind of love that is professed and cherished.

The fellow who patented the Judas process was a man who loved his Master to the limits of adoration. His love was acknowledged and returned. It was the perfect scenario for the application of the tools of the Judas process. Among these, he used a combination of betrayal, falsehood, personal ambition and cruelty.

The Judas process has been in use since the day in that remote cave when Blorg said to his cousin and good friend Ungho not to worry about the cave and go on an extended hunting trip; he would gather the wood, get some cans of sardines and protect Erwina, Ungho’s lovely wife from the lascivious advances of the neighbors..

Upon his return, Ungho found that his cousin and dear friend had consummated an intense relationship  with Erwina while he was away and, further, had taken possession of the cave as his own. They would not let Ungho enter the cave, not even to collect his credit cards and laptop. Ungho was devastated and appealed to the Cave Master who, upon listening to Erwina and Blorg ruled in their favor, a decision that was discreetly aided by the stack of pelts and the finely carved bat that  Ungho presented to him. That episode had all the drama of Shakespearian two act plays. It illustrates the fact that wherever there is accumulated power there will be love and admiration and nine times out of ten, the Judas process will make its appearance.

So, how can you become a good Judas?

Dear reader: Here I was about to go into a lengthy description of the technicalities of the Judas process, but my editor disagreed strongly. “Everyone knows what a Judas does! Why rub it in? Just finish the darned thing and let us move on to something else! What do we pay you for?”

So I close now but wish to remind you that my next book deals with intransigent editors who date fashion designers and spend week ends in places like Cleveland and Mobile, Alabama!

FIDEL'S RETIREMENT OPTION

The Palacio de la Revolución offers a magnificent view of Havana's harbor and nearby beaches. The ocean's tropical blue color is the perfect background for the palms trees, the white fishing boats and the lively rhythm of the Malecón.

"Una vista estupenda, eh?"

I turned around quickly and faced Fidel. He was partially hidden by a cloud of a seducing Pantoja N. 10, standing just inside the door of his office where I had been ushered a few minutes before. He was wearing colorful sports clothes and looked a bit frail.

Madrid"Más que estupenda" I replied in my impeccable Spanish and mentally thanked Uncle Sam for all those years in Torrejón, the Air Force base outside  Madrid

He sat down behind his massive wood carved desk whose appearance conjured a vision of a couple of solid silver candelabra, heavy books on the table, a crucifix on the wall behind and a solemn-looking bald headed Inquisitor sitting where Fidel was.

"Comandante, have you thought about your retirement? You know, the State Department can arrange for at least a dozen locations where you can spend your declining years in peace and contentment. . "

Fidel, puffed on a Pantoja and was soon hidden behind a glorious cloud of the fragrant poison. He gave the impression of a multi colored mattress on fire. He laughed out loud and said:

"You sound like a funeral parlor director. What is this jazz about peace and contentment? There is a lot of work to be done. Did you know that there are 25 countries in the  Caribbean Basin area ?Do you know that the combined economy of this group exceeds seven hundred billion dollars annually and that trade runs at over 200 billion a year? And the area, with the fourth largest trading volume in the world is just coming into its own. And you want me to retire!"

"Well, Comandante, the other 24 members of this group are established democracies and they wish for Cuba to be one also. Some sort of transition is in order. . "

"I get the message."

He poured some more Rum and Coke from the silver and crystal pitcher into his glass and motioned for me to push my own glass toward him. I did so and observed:

"Cuba Libre is great!"

He looked at me and smiled. He fixed his gaze on the palm trees swaying in the breeze and the azure ocean beyond the Malecón and said:

 "Sí señor! Cuba Libre is great! Thanks to me, amigo. Cuba was never free until the day I came down off the hills into Havana. First, it was the Spaniards who owned the island. Then the Church. For a while, we had the British, French and Dutch pirates running things here. Then we had a pretty gang of self-proclaimed aristocrats supporting a degenerate army sergeant. The only Cuba Libre all that time was the drink!"

"Comandante, we know that your retirement day is coming now that bother Raul is running the show. It is clear that you can not opt for retirement in  Cuba.  Have you thought about another place?"

"Despite his advanced years, he still projects an image of vitality and optimism. He smiles easily and with the same propensity he can turn aggressive and sarcastic. He pointed a finger at me and in a low voice said:

"Well, it is probably true that I will have to leave one of these days. I am getting old and I want to write my memoirs before it is too late. Besides, I promised Michael Korda at Simon and Schuster that I would send him the first thirty thousand pages before the Chinese Olympics. . "

"There are many places where you could settle, Comandante"

"Well, let me list the places I don't want. For starters Florida;  too many Cubans there.  Europe is too expensive and they don't have good cigars. I would have liked  Spain but the Socialists and then the PP’s have ruined the country and it is hard to find out which end is up.

South America is out. They seem to prefer Che Guevara and, besides, they have stopped having revolutions. They are so stable they are boring!"

He let out a voluminous cloud of smoke, and looking out the window, continued:

"I guess the only place left for me is the United States!"

"How is that Comandante?"

America "Listen, I might consider a banquet circuit deal in the U.S.. I see where all your retired politicians, generals, comedians and CEO's sign these juicy contracts and get up to three hundred thousand pesos per speech. And a free meal! Where else but in  America, son?"

"But you must keep in mind that you are not exactly a favorite son, Comandante"

"No problema. A couple of appearances in the Jay Leno and Dave Letterman shows, a chat with Tim, some deep analysis with Larry King and one afternoon with Oprah and I will be more popular than Antonio Banderas."

"I don't know, Comandante. The State Department has its own guidelines. They will probably help you make the transition from active Caribbean dictator to retired Caribbean Dictator"

"Great! Besides, if we are going to do some trading with your State Department, I might ask for a few things. For instance, I want to take golf lessons with Sergio Garcia. I am too old for baseball. I want tickets to the World Series and I want McDonald's to include Arroz con Pollo in their menus. . "

"Anything else?"

"Do you think I can be eligible for Social Security benefits?"

 

THE SURGEON

THE Surgeon

"What should I call you ? Doctor, Professor, what?"

When I am before experts and specialists I always make sure that a proper atmosphere of respect prevails. It does no good to familiarize an interview; it works both ways. A person that is respectfully addressed usually responds in kind. With exceptions of course.

"It really makes no difference to me. If you wish you can call me by my first name which is Lem"

He was a rugged and handsome Marlboro ad type of doctor, I thought. While he had a reputation as one of the best in his profession, I could not help wondering if some of the good press was not in part contributed by his masculine looks and that engaging smile of his. It was easy to understand why housewives would readily agree to his work methods and his recommendations. When it comes to beauty, women can easily be influenced by beauty.

"All righ, Lem. Tell me, how did you get into this specialized field of surgery?"

"Well, I always admired beautiful things. When I was a small boy, my father bought me a set of small tools and since then I have been absolutely seduced by the way tools can beautify things and bring changes that people enjoy.."

"Yes, I would agree. Your surgery work is really outstanding. Also, the fact that you have won the City's Best Citizen Award confirms your peculiar expertise. You are truly a mechanic of beauty!"

"It has not been easy. For some years, people in this city did nothing to apply modern surgery techniques. In all those years, people did not have many opportunities to recur to specialized outfits. But, it is a smart town. When the time came, it was quick to recognize and apply modern technology."

 "What is the major drawback in your work, Lem?" I asked, while he carefully removed his gloves and his cap and dried his forehead with a Korean imitation Italian silk bandanna.

"Usually the husbands and children"

"Why is that?"

"Husbands because they have to pay the bill and children because they often prefer the way things were before I operated"

"How do you cope with those problems?"

"Have you ever seen a tree surgeon that is not a good diplomat?"